so i've been thinking...
so lately, i've been thinking about where i am in life, where i have been, and where i wanna go. i read a friend's journal on myspace and she was talking about all the things she misses about childhood. i have to say, i can see where she's coming from.
i miss playing soccer in my back yard with my brother. i miss josh and i coming up with games to play to keep ourselves entertained while riding in the back of my dad's truck with the cap on. i miss walking down to the dried up pond down the road and just goofing off with other kids that lived on the road. i miss having a dog. i miss riding my bike at fort frederick in the parking lots when no one was there and looking at the deer grazing in the fields. i miss playing the drums. i miss josh teaching me songs on the guitar. i miss the ski trips, the fbla trips, the history club trips. i even miss making ham & cheese sandwhiches even though i was a vegitarian (and reiff picking on me...). hell, i even miss cheerleading. i miss sleep over's and truth or dare. i miss camping with my family, friend's families, and even that church group. i miss not being scared of anything. i miss not caring about money or rent or bills! i miss taking photos and developing them in the dark room. i miss painting. i miss writing songs and recording them either with jamie in middle school or charly in high school. and that's all just stuff that happend at clear spring.
at tech, i was lucky enough to find a group of friends who taught me the real meaning of friendship. desi was always level headed and not only making plans for the future but making them a reality faster than any of us. nicki was the sweetie who wore her heart on her sleeve and laughed even when she didn't understand the joke. austin was... a guy. lol... he could make you laugh or say something that deserved a punch in the shoulder. for the most part he was an alright guy. colette was someone who shared my anger towards our english 12 teacher! hahaha! she had a big heart and cared about everyone, no matter what "group" they were in. adia... well, she was something. she showed me that no matter which mask i wear, i'll always be me and those who don't like the real me can screw off (even though she never took off her mask). pokey was the lovable guy that who cared i think almost too much about people. i've known him since middle school and he's always had a big heart and a shoulder to cry on. he was such a great friend. there are so many other friends i had at tech high, but everyone knew that panda and i shared a brain. she was like the sister i never had. she understood me when no one else did. i use to ride around in her car and listen to music all the time. i miss rushing down back roads to get me home before my curfew! i miss catching rides with her home after school and talking about how much school sucks. i miss working on art projects with her. i miss painting with her sitting there as my reference. i miss doing our daily drawings and laughing about how stupid some of them were. i miss joking about how we were practically the teacher in VC b/c mrs. fries never really taught. i miss painting the stary night with her. i miss hanging out with her at nana and pap's. i miss trick-or-treating when we were clearly too old. i miss visiting her at work in the mall. i would say how much i miss spending time with jason and going to the movies and talking for hours on the phone... but i live with him now. we still spend a lot of time together and go to the movies. and since we live together we don't really talk on the phone that much. but yeah, he was a HUGE part of my life. i can say, however, that i miss the bus ride to tech high where i got to run my fingers through his hair... and i'd draw on his back while waiting for clear spring to let out. i miss a lot of things... and i bet in 5 years, i'll be looking back to now and saying how much i miss these times.
i'm content with where i am now, but i don't know if i'm thrilled. i don't like living this close to the city and so far away from my friends. but i do enjoy the friends i've made here at school... and i like my classes and professors for the most part. i just don't know how much longer i can stand all this. thie crazy city world is driving me nuts. it's soooo fast. no one stops to ask how you are. no one waves when they drive by... b/c no one knows you! you can't just play soccer in your back yard, you have to go to a flippin park! my friends live so far away, which i'm partly use to, but now it's more than a 15-25 min drive and now i have to drive 695 to get to them! i miss catching fire flies and hearing my dad laugh. i miss fishing whenever we felt like it.
why the hell do i live in the city? i don't belong here. but i have no where to go. i can't move back in with my parents... but i feel like my spirit is breaking a little more every day. i can't stand that when i drive, i'm always in thick traffic. i miss driving on open roads where i might pass 3 cars on a drive. i miss stopping on the way back from fishing with my dad and brother to pick wild flowers for my mom. i miss eatting on the tailgate of my dad's truck after a good long day.
i can't keep going. at this rate, i'll pack up my bags and move back to clear spring without another thought. i just hate it here so much sometimes. i don't know if/how i'll make it through grad school down here. i just wanna come home so bad!
i miss playing soccer in my back yard with my brother. i miss josh and i coming up with games to play to keep ourselves entertained while riding in the back of my dad's truck with the cap on. i miss walking down to the dried up pond down the road and just goofing off with other kids that lived on the road. i miss having a dog. i miss riding my bike at fort frederick in the parking lots when no one was there and looking at the deer grazing in the fields. i miss playing the drums. i miss josh teaching me songs on the guitar. i miss the ski trips, the fbla trips, the history club trips. i even miss making ham & cheese sandwhiches even though i was a vegitarian (and reiff picking on me...). hell, i even miss cheerleading. i miss sleep over's and truth or dare. i miss camping with my family, friend's families, and even that church group. i miss not being scared of anything. i miss not caring about money or rent or bills! i miss taking photos and developing them in the dark room. i miss painting. i miss writing songs and recording them either with jamie in middle school or charly in high school. and that's all just stuff that happend at clear spring.
at tech, i was lucky enough to find a group of friends who taught me the real meaning of friendship. desi was always level headed and not only making plans for the future but making them a reality faster than any of us. nicki was the sweetie who wore her heart on her sleeve and laughed even when she didn't understand the joke. austin was... a guy. lol... he could make you laugh or say something that deserved a punch in the shoulder. for the most part he was an alright guy. colette was someone who shared my anger towards our english 12 teacher! hahaha! she had a big heart and cared about everyone, no matter what "group" they were in. adia... well, she was something. she showed me that no matter which mask i wear, i'll always be me and those who don't like the real me can screw off (even though she never took off her mask). pokey was the lovable guy that who cared i think almost too much about people. i've known him since middle school and he's always had a big heart and a shoulder to cry on. he was such a great friend. there are so many other friends i had at tech high, but everyone knew that panda and i shared a brain. she was like the sister i never had. she understood me when no one else did. i use to ride around in her car and listen to music all the time. i miss rushing down back roads to get me home before my curfew! i miss catching rides with her home after school and talking about how much school sucks. i miss working on art projects with her. i miss painting with her sitting there as my reference. i miss doing our daily drawings and laughing about how stupid some of them were. i miss joking about how we were practically the teacher in VC b/c mrs. fries never really taught. i miss painting the stary night with her. i miss hanging out with her at nana and pap's. i miss trick-or-treating when we were clearly too old. i miss visiting her at work in the mall. i would say how much i miss spending time with jason and going to the movies and talking for hours on the phone... but i live with him now. we still spend a lot of time together and go to the movies. and since we live together we don't really talk on the phone that much. but yeah, he was a HUGE part of my life. i can say, however, that i miss the bus ride to tech high where i got to run my fingers through his hair... and i'd draw on his back while waiting for clear spring to let out. i miss a lot of things... and i bet in 5 years, i'll be looking back to now and saying how much i miss these times.
i'm content with where i am now, but i don't know if i'm thrilled. i don't like living this close to the city and so far away from my friends. but i do enjoy the friends i've made here at school... and i like my classes and professors for the most part. i just don't know how much longer i can stand all this. thie crazy city world is driving me nuts. it's soooo fast. no one stops to ask how you are. no one waves when they drive by... b/c no one knows you! you can't just play soccer in your back yard, you have to go to a flippin park! my friends live so far away, which i'm partly use to, but now it's more than a 15-25 min drive and now i have to drive 695 to get to them! i miss catching fire flies and hearing my dad laugh. i miss fishing whenever we felt like it.
why the hell do i live in the city? i don't belong here. but i have no where to go. i can't move back in with my parents... but i feel like my spirit is breaking a little more every day. i can't stand that when i drive, i'm always in thick traffic. i miss driving on open roads where i might pass 3 cars on a drive. i miss stopping on the way back from fishing with my dad and brother to pick wild flowers for my mom. i miss eatting on the tailgate of my dad's truck after a good long day.
i can't keep going. at this rate, i'll pack up my bags and move back to clear spring without another thought. i just hate it here so much sometimes. i don't know if/how i'll make it through grad school down here. i just wanna come home so bad!
posted by ciara | 5:13 PM
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