my lil journal

sunshine followed the rain

2006-09-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a long rainy day and felt like a rollercoaster. once something went right, it was about time for something to go wrong. well, i guess i should start at the beginning, and that really starts with this past weekend.

So, friday comes, and i'm suppose to go get my fingerprints done (for my internship) and jason and i were gonna head to panda's for a lil while. BUT, patrick got sick and it was decided that it would be best if jason and i didn't go to panda's until he was feeling better. So, i finally get someone to cover my sunday shift, and then jason and i went to dinner and a movie:) to be honest, it was nice just to spend some time together. with our schedules now, we don't get to see much of each other:( but yeah, sat morning, i get up at 9, get ready, we go get my fingerprints (which was at this kinda sketchy place???) and head to panda's. panda, jason, and i get dinner at the cute diner shop and head back to the apartment. patrick is watching college football (yuck) and so we sat around and talked. on sunday, jason remembered he had some work to do here at the apartment for his job that had to be done on sunday (long story). so, we come back to the apartment. mom and dad are with josh and mom says she was thinking about coming by after they left josh's.... so, jason and i rushed home and did UBER cleaning of apartment. i even washed the floors, tub, and toilet! so yeah, mom and dad couldn't make it (another long story)... so they came back done monday. that was nice b/c they hadn't been here in awhile. we went out to a really nice lunch at the silver mining company (which rocks!). i told them i planned on going "desk shopping" b/c my desk was falling apart really bad. they understood b/c i've had that desk since i was really little. so, they helped me pick it out and hauled it with their truck back to the apartment. too bad we had to go to the GHETTO of baltimore to get it!!! we went to one in towson, but they had a flood and all their stuff was destroyed. SO, we get the desk home around 7 and dad and jason start putting it together. 8.30 rolls around and dad and mom say they gotta jet b/c they have work in the morning. well, so did i. i had to get up at 4.30AM to go to work. so i understood... but i wanted to finish it, so jason and i stayed up til 12.30 and finished it. it's great!!!

then tuesday came. i hit the snooze alarm for work and was running late, but i got there and opened the gym. the shift seemed to last forever! and then i realized that i left my umbrella in jason's car, and that i wouldn't see him before he left for work, so i couldn't get it. that sucked! BUT, the lady that came in after me let me borrow hers, and that was realllly nice of her. so, i get ready for school, and head to class. class was okay... the next class was alright too. the guy infront of me is one of those kids who i think raises his hand and talks in class just to talk. his answers are wrong and usually have nothing to do with the question. so yeah... BUT the professor let us out early, which rocks b/c it's suppose to end at 3.15 when everyone is getting out and driving home, so it's hella busy. BUT, i had a meeting with the head of the psych department, so i go to that, and he said that i was uber organized and as far as he cared, i was ready to walk the stage this May!!! WOOT! then i have a meeting with my soci professor, but i get there really early b/c the psych guy was happy that i was organized and did all the work before the meeting. so yeah, i get there and read my book while i wait on garcia. my meeting with garcia was fun. we talked about my independent study and class and stuff. lots of stuff. we talked about grad school and where i wanna go and what i wanna do. basically, i wanna do what i did in her class (i think) which was data analysis. it's interesting and i think it's gonna pay well. which is always a plus! then, i wanna become a professor at a university! how cool would that be? but anyways, back to tuesday... i had to take an ADD form to add my independent study to my course load. so, i'm only technically taking 3 lectures, but i have 5 classes.... so yeah. it'll be an interesting semester. keep in mind, it's been raining allllllll freakin tuesday. so, i'm on one end of the campus, and i don't feel like walking to the building where you do add/drop stuff and all, so i wait for the bus. the bus FINALLY gets there, i ride to the building, and do the add class thing. i get outside and my car is at the football field, and once again, i don't feel like walking all that way in the rain, even with an umbrella. my hoodie is damp, pants damp, shoes soaked, and i still have to move my car, eat dinner and sit in a 2 1/2 hour class. the bus never comes b/c it stops at 5... but i was there at 4.45 and figured that it would come one more time before 5. but oh no, that would be the nice thing.... so i end up waiting 15 min... see the bus drive by, and end up walking back to my car anyways! that sucked. i get to my car, drive over to another parking place which is closer to the psych building and has emptied out a little since it's after 5. i make dinner in the microwave in the den (b/c campus food sucks and costs too much) and read some more of my book. it's freezing in the den, so now i'm damp and cold:( i finally go to my class at 7, and of course the class is ice cold. BUT, i got a seat next to the overhead which was all nice and warm. the class was great. the professor is so funny! she let us go a little early and when i got home, i saw jason had put together the hutch for my desk and hooked up my computer and all. he's so sweet!

so that was tuesday. today, i slept in really late, which was so nice! i chilled around the apartment, jason went to work, i made lunch, and headed to get my hair done. i'd never been to this place before, but it's in a woman's home and i knew the girl who was gonna be there at about the same time (her mom is the one who told me about the stylist). so yeah, i get there, and the people are realllly nice! the stylist's daughter is hanging out there and the stylist's friend/helper lady was all nice and talking with me til desi (stylist) was ready. they had coffee and magazines and comfy couches! it was great. then desi takes a look at my hair and tells me what she thinks i should do (b/c i wanted to go back to normal hair color, but wasn't sure how). she said i should do high/low lights instead and we'd work it back to my natural hair color, but with something special. my hair is red-ish right now b/c of dye... and now, i have redish hair with blonde highlights and brown low lights and it's freaking awesome looking! when she was done i almost cried! she gave me bangs and they look awesome! so yeah, today rocked.

well, that's about it. things have been looking up and everything is great. i start my internship on friday, so don't be suprised if i write after that to talk about how it goes. but for now.... i'm out. peace.

a lot on my mind...

2006-08-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

i have a lot on my mind right now, and it's starting to become too much. i think one more big change to my world will just about break me. i want to just break down and cry, but then i say to myself "no, this isn't anything to cry over..." but then again, i still think it is. sometimes i just feel like i can't breath, and that in the end, no matter what i do, it's all gonna fall apart. it's like i'm trying to hold sand. i hate this feeling b/c i know there's nothing i can do. i don't really know what to do though until the issue is over. i'm gonna have to change my train of thought about a few things, and i dunno how i'm gonna be able to do that. i look back on the last couple of weeks and i feel like i should've seen it. i should've known... i should've been there and done something earlier. i dunno what to do. i just have a lot on my mind...

been thinking some more...

2006-08-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

so, once again, i've been thinking again. it's slightly related to the last post, but focuses more on the future. i'm trying to think of what i want to do after undergrad is done and over with... which will be in like... MAY! how freaking great is that!?!?! here's a hint....... it's awesome! but yeah, what to do after undergrad is still a topic that is ever changing. it went from "i wanna go to UMB for social work" to "i wanna go somewhere in western maryland for sociology" to "penn state has a great sociology program, but it's outta state and 3 hours from home" to "what if i moved to PA long enough for in-state tuition, then went to Penn State. that way, i could have a break, but still plan on going...". that last one has me really thinking. i know jason and i are both fed up with this city life crap and we're ready to pack our bags. sure, i'll miss the people i've met here, i'll miss some things being so close, and i'll miss my gym. BUT, i miss wide open spaces, farms, decent people, and simplicty even more. but enough about all that, i'd just be repeating things from my last post...

i've been flipping through my music and remembering some really good songs that i like that i haven't listened to in awhile. like, "another lonely day" by ben harper. he has such a soothing voice. and cold play's "til kingdom come" that's a great song too! i dunno... i hear so much crap at work, it's nice to come home to good music:)

in other news... i've been reading a lot lately. i read a lot at work actually. hehehe. i read like 30 pages at work the other day, and i plan to do the same tomorrow:) i've been reading "the mists of avalon" which is the king arthur story, but through the eyes of the women who were involved. so yeah... it's really good. it's like a 900 page book (that's comprised of 4 books really)... and i'm onl ike 350 or something. i dunno, it's nice to have a nice long book to read. i think i'll read something a little lighter next though b/c of school and all. i can hardly read anything when i'm going to school, but i'll have some hours at work where i can read:)

so yeah... my financial strain has been getting better now that i have a job. too bad that when school starts up, i'll be working only a few hours a week:( maybe i'll talk to dan (my manager) to see if i can pick up a few more hours or something. i dunno. i know that the school work will be enough to keep me busy, but i dunno how my bank account is going to like it. meh. i might still get that loan so i can have my "safety blanket" amount back. we'll see. i know jason is all "your job is school" and all... but i feel like i'm failing him by not helping out as much as i could've been. i shouldn't have waited for stupid borders for my job back. i should've applied earlier and all. but i guess if i would've done that, i wouldn't have had time to join my gym (which i love...) and get a job there. ::shrug:: i dunno... i guess that i'll be able to help more now that i have SOME sort of income. it's not great... but it's something.

speaking of my gym, i've been working out a lot and i've been seeing more and more results. it may not show up on the scale yet, but my pants fit differently, and i've been able to wear my favorite pair of cordaroys that i haven't been able to wear in MONTHS (or so) recently! too bad that like a week after finding out i fit in them again, a weared spot in the crotch starts to rip b/c well... that's what cords do. they wear down and rip. meh, i'll try to fix them sometime. in the mean time, i'm gonna keep up the working out and all and hopefully fit into more and more of my pants. my jeans are too tight for me now:( i mean, i can zip them up, but i can't sit comfortably in them. i wouldn't wanna wear them out or anything. BUT, on the up side... i've droped one pant size (i think) since i've started working out. i bought a pair of kakkis at target for work when i got hired (b/c none of my old ones fitted at the time).... and i just went to wal-mart the other day and bought a pair of jeans that are one size smaller, and comfy:) SOOO, that's great! it's still one size larger than what i was this time last year... but.... in time, i'll be back down to that... and then i'll be on my way back to what i was in high school!!! i think that's my goal. get back to what i was in high school... ideally, freshman year of high school size... but for right now, i'm just happy that i'm a size smaller than a month or so ago! i'm hopeing that this surgery in the winter will help me be able to exersize even more and actually... it will reduce my breast size and how much i weigh b/c my boobs are heavy! hahaha... maybe tmi, but who reads this anyways!?

well, i'm gonna go read and wait for jason to get home. i'll write more later i'm sure. peace.

so i've been thinking...

2006-08-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

so lately, i've been thinking about where i am in life, where i have been, and where i wanna go. i read a friend's journal on myspace and she was talking about all the things she misses about childhood. i have to say, i can see where she's coming from.

i miss playing soccer in my back yard with my brother. i miss josh and i coming up with games to play to keep ourselves entertained while riding in the back of my dad's truck with the cap on. i miss walking down to the dried up pond down the road and just goofing off with other kids that lived on the road. i miss having a dog. i miss riding my bike at fort frederick in the parking lots when no one was there and looking at the deer grazing in the fields. i miss playing the drums. i miss josh teaching me songs on the guitar. i miss the ski trips, the fbla trips, the history club trips. i even miss making ham & cheese sandwhiches even though i was a vegitarian (and reiff picking on me...). hell, i even miss cheerleading. i miss sleep over's and truth or dare. i miss camping with my family, friend's families, and even that church group. i miss not being scared of anything. i miss not caring about money or rent or bills! i miss taking photos and developing them in the dark room. i miss painting. i miss writing songs and recording them either with jamie in middle school or charly in high school. and that's all just stuff that happend at clear spring.

at tech, i was lucky enough to find a group of friends who taught me the real meaning of friendship. desi was always level headed and not only making plans for the future but making them a reality faster than any of us. nicki was the sweetie who wore her heart on her sleeve and laughed even when she didn't understand the joke. austin was... a guy. lol... he could make you laugh or say something that deserved a punch in the shoulder. for the most part he was an alright guy. colette was someone who shared my anger towards our english 12 teacher! hahaha! she had a big heart and cared about everyone, no matter what "group" they were in. adia... well, she was something. she showed me that no matter which mask i wear, i'll always be me and those who don't like the real me can screw off (even though she never took off her mask). pokey was the lovable guy that who cared i think almost too much about people. i've known him since middle school and he's always had a big heart and a shoulder to cry on. he was such a great friend. there are so many other friends i had at tech high, but everyone knew that panda and i shared a brain. she was like the sister i never had. she understood me when no one else did. i use to ride around in her car and listen to music all the time. i miss rushing down back roads to get me home before my curfew! i miss catching rides with her home after school and talking about how much school sucks. i miss working on art projects with her. i miss painting with her sitting there as my reference. i miss doing our daily drawings and laughing about how stupid some of them were. i miss joking about how we were practically the teacher in VC b/c mrs. fries never really taught. i miss painting the stary night with her. i miss hanging out with her at nana and pap's. i miss trick-or-treating when we were clearly too old. i miss visiting her at work in the mall. i would say how much i miss spending time with jason and going to the movies and talking for hours on the phone... but i live with him now. we still spend a lot of time together and go to the movies. and since we live together we don't really talk on the phone that much. but yeah, he was a HUGE part of my life. i can say, however, that i miss the bus ride to tech high where i got to run my fingers through his hair... and i'd draw on his back while waiting for clear spring to let out. i miss a lot of things... and i bet in 5 years, i'll be looking back to now and saying how much i miss these times.

i'm content with where i am now, but i don't know if i'm thrilled. i don't like living this close to the city and so far away from my friends. but i do enjoy the friends i've made here at school... and i like my classes and professors for the most part. i just don't know how much longer i can stand all this. thie crazy city world is driving me nuts. it's soooo fast. no one stops to ask how you are. no one waves when they drive by... b/c no one knows you! you can't just play soccer in your back yard, you have to go to a flippin park! my friends live so far away, which i'm partly use to, but now it's more than a 15-25 min drive and now i have to drive 695 to get to them! i miss catching fire flies and hearing my dad laugh. i miss fishing whenever we felt like it.

why the hell do i live in the city? i don't belong here. but i have no where to go. i can't move back in with my parents... but i feel like my spirit is breaking a little more every day. i can't stand that when i drive, i'm always in thick traffic. i miss driving on open roads where i might pass 3 cars on a drive. i miss stopping on the way back from fishing with my dad and brother to pick wild flowers for my mom. i miss eatting on the tailgate of my dad's truck after a good long day.

i can't keep going. at this rate, i'll pack up my bags and move back to clear spring without another thought. i just hate it here so much sometimes. i don't know if/how i'll make it through grad school down here. i just wanna come home so bad!

haha

2005-04-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

hahaha, i have a journal that i doubt i'll ever use b/c i use livejournal.... but at least i can post on panda's now! hehehe. peace <3